Speak

I have hard things to say. I have hard things to live.

Then the word of the LORD came to me, saying:
“ Before I formed you in the womb I knew you;
Before you were born I sanctified you;
I ordained you a prophet to the nations.”

Then said I:

“ Ah, Lord GOD!
Behold, I cannot speak, for I am a youth.”

But the LORD said to me:

“ Do not say, ‘I am a youth,’
For you shall go to all to whom I send you,
And whatever I command you, you shall speak.
Do not be afraid of their faces,
For I am with you to deliver you,” says the LORD.

Then the LORD put forth His hand and touched my mouth, and the LORD said to me:

“ Behold, I have put My words in your mouth.”

– Jeremiah 1:4-9

It is sometimes hard to be who I really am. If I feel that I am not allowed, I go into hiding, rather than break unwritten rules with my very existence.

“Then I said, “I will not make mention of Him,
Nor speak anymore in His name.”
But His word was in my heart like a burning fire
Shut up in my bones;
I was weary of holding it back,
And I could not.”

– Jeremiah 20:9

I’ve been told that I see the world a bit differently than other people see it. I didn’t really believe it until the last few weeks, not really. I didn’t want to believe it. I think I kept hoping that maybe they were wrong, that I did see things the same, that this one “original” thing about me wasn’t really original.

I will stand my watch
And set myself on the rampart,
And watch to see what He will say to me,
And what I will answer when I am corrected.

Then the LORD answered me and said:

“ Write the vision
And make it plain on tablets,
That he may run who reads it.
For the vision is yet for an appointed time;
But at the end it will speak, and it will not lie.
Though it tarries, wait for it;
Because it will surely come,
It will not tarry.
“ Behold the proud,
His soul is not upright in him;
But the just shall live by his faith.

-Habakkuk 2:1-4

The looks I’ve received from friends, the conversations I’ve had with family, the struggles Pete and I have faced recently in our marriage – the reasons I am GOOD at my photography, the way I can design something that speaks so deeply to who a person is… It all began to make sense.

You see, I SEE people. It is my gift. It is not merely a talent, not something I’ve developed or chosen. I don’t see what people wear, their faults, their blemishes. I don’t always remember names, I don’t always remember details about their lives. But do I see people as God created them.

I’m a “pick-right-up-where-I-left-off” person, because people don’t change to me. And I unintentionally relate to them from this place, because I literally can’t see how to relate on any other level. I have no point-of-reference for relationships that are based merely on mutual interests or similar life circumstances – partly because I’ve never been in one place long enough to build those relationships, and partly because I believe that relationships are meant to deepen. They cannot survive forever on interests or circumstances.

This works beautifully online, because I can share who I am here, choose what I share here, and I can seek out others who are sharing real. These relationships deepen quickly without my knowing how many children they have, where we come from. It is a meeting of hearts. But in real life, and specifically in the culture in which I live, I’m realizing that hearts don’t meet that often, and open hearts like mine make others feel vulnerable, exposed. For the longest time, I thought I could control it, put it away, be “discreet” – but I can’t. My body absolutely cannot handle the turmoil within.

I almost never see the fruit of my life and how He uses my mess for His glory. And to be truthful, I almost prefer it that way. I don’t want to know He’s using me. I don’t want to be a tool in His hand. But I want to know Him real, and I want others to know Him real, and I’m His, for whatever He means to do with me – even if I can’t see the direction.

With me, what you see is what you get. I’m not secretly judging with my words or the life experience I share, offering my heart for connection. The cold shoulders, the forced politeness, the glances that reveal buried resentment, the non-invitations to normal gatherings – I see them. And I try to love past them, but I am never again so open once I have seen them. It feels like slow training to die, honestly. I channel my heart into creativity, put my words away, pretend I don’t actually have to live in the real world.

But I do have to live here. And whether I like it or not, what God reveals to me is HIS work, not mine. I want to close my eyes and live my life unaware, live it safe. But I’m not called to see the safe things. I’m not called to believe the safe things.

So I’m learning to share what He shows me about Himself, and slowly learning grace when intellect and blindness overrides Spirit-work. And while I may be wrong about some things or unsure about some other things, I can – and will – stand up any day of my life and tell you this: that Jesus Christ was crucified for me, and for you, and for everyone, and that in Him, I am already complete and perfect before God. “It is finished,” Jesus said, dying ONCE for all, forever to stand holy between me and God, cancelling out my desperate human need to be like God, knowing good and evil, deciding right and wrong.

This is what makes me who I am. It is Gospel worth living – and dying – for.

This is what I see, that God created me and you and everyone with a whole lot of amazing, and you can choose to live it or choose not to live it, but I can’t help seeing it. And whatever mess you’re in, whatever you do or don’t do, however you measure up to your standards or anyone else’s, I will still see you as you and what you are or could be in Jesus. I will still see you as He meant you to be, free from the life that kills, alive to God who doesn’t live in a box. I may see that He is working, may notice that He is reaching for you. And being me, I may say it. And I will always hope you will believe it, even though I know you’ll probably write me off and think I’m off my nut.

Please bear with me as I start to process this in writing. It’s a life that needs living. Not a well-rounded blog post.