It is bleeding into everything, the depression that has ripped my life apart again in the last two weeks. I try to gather my wits, try to do what I know is best for my body, but I can’t work through it. I sit, and I stare into space and I wonder about my life and how it has been shaped.
Someone tells me that I remind her of a friend who suffered and chose joy. I don’t know if I choose joy, but I do write about the light I’m finding in the dark.
I try not to take things too seriously, try to smile, try to breathe while I listen to Him speaking a “hush, be still” into my heart. This is hard. I want to stop the bleeding, but I can only wait, let it roll over me in waves as it does. I try not to plan my future – there is nothing but today, and the rest of the world will have to just wait.
I notice the blood in my posts, in my tweets, in my Facebook and Tumblr, the short bursts of clarity or gloom that come out clearly here. Does anyone else notice, I wonder? How can I possibly be a person people will want to hire or follow or support if I am, well, like this?
I wait for the rain to stop, hope the weather will shift out of its barometric downswing. My life isn’t all about me – I know this. But on days like these last two weeks have been, when I’m hemorrhaging helplessly, I know it has to be about me, at least for a little while. I hug my kids and tell Pete that I’m still me, please remember that when I can’t reach you?
This really connected with me. I think sometimes people notice, but don’t know how to deal with depression. I feel the drag in my own life and yet it marches on and I have three assignments due on Saturday and work tomorrow and the next day. Sometimes I feel like I must stuff it until I have time to let it out.
Praying for you.
“…the rest of the world will have to just wait.”
It will.
Prayers rising for you, dear one. And yes, the world will wait, and Peter will know who you are, and your Father knows who you are.
Love from here…
(((hugs))) Praying for your heart.
oh this blog post is hard I think you are doing good, are you? I will pray that you will be ok.
This made me think of one of my favorite songs by Over the Rhine. The World Can Wait.
I’m glad I bumped into you on line. It pains me when anyone struggles, but in that pain, my capacity to love grows, as it seems yours does too.
~if this should end tomorrow
all our best laid plans
and all our typical fears
am i running out of lifetimes
this is not the first time
something ends in just tears
~but tomorrow i can’t imagine
how am i supposed to know
what’s yet to go down
is there only one religion
the kind that whispers
when nobody comes around
~~the world can wait
the world can wait
i want to drink the water from your well
i want to tell you things i’ll never tell
the world can wait
the world can wait
i’m wide awake
and the world can wait
~i want to feel and then some
i have five senses
i need thousands more at least
every day a page of paper
~every night a photograph
a moveable feast
~so fade to black and white now
roll the movie of my life
inside of my head
’cause like all true believers
i am truly skeptical
of all that i have said
~~
~haven’t i said enough
haven’t i said far too much
haven’t i done enough
haven’t i done far too much
far too much
the world can wait
i understand. i understand how no one can understand it unless they have been there. you are right in that God is with you. you can talk to Him and He can talk to you and even hold you. it is a real connection. you are not alone.
They will want to support you cause they can relate to you.At least,that’s how I am. 🙂 I always want to support someone I can relate to….knowing what they go through makes them dear to me,and then I want to support and invest in them,cause they mean more than just the single fluffy stuff,if you know what I mean.