I had a thought last week that I might dare to post one real opinion of mine per week. I don’t often express my opinions – not because I don’t have them, but because I don’t want to polarize people and start arguments or create debate. I don’t have the energy to follow up and defend my opinions; they are simply conclusions I have drawn about things, and I don’t want to force them on anyone else.
BUT, that said, I do have them, and I think I will try posting one per week, so maybe you can get to know me better, if you like. Here goes nothing.
I don’t generally hold a lot of opinions about child-rearing and how it should be done. I don’t feel that I have a lot of authority on the matter, since I’ve not read all the books or listened to all the advice, or even poured all of my time into learning how to mother my kids.
I do get a lot of compliments about my children, however. They are smart, funny, cute as anything, and while they are definitely kids, they are both generally pretty sweet when others are around. This morning while I was at my chiropractor’s office, several of the other women there commented to me that my children were well-behaved, unlike most of the other children who visit the office. They said that “the kids run around screaming, while the mothers ignore them.”
I’ve been chewing on their comments for a while, and I’ve developed an opinion. Which I am going to share.
My kids have learned their boundaries through independence.
I have rarely had energy to chase them down, discipline them, and conform them to my will. Pete and I have childproofed our house as much as we can, and I pick my battles with the kids. Once they know how to do something and I know they won’t get hurt, I allow them the freedom to do it. I don’t schedule every minute of their day, and when they have needs, I do what I can to meet them. If I can’t, I ask them to wait until I can, or until Pete can.
I don’t ride herd on my kids. When we need to establish a boundary (usually after we realize that they’ve crossed it – still learning here!!!), we explain the boundary to them and tell them that next time, they will get spanked if they cross it. When they (inevitably) cross it, we follow up firmly, explaining what they have done. This works very well with Piper, who helps to keep Bredon out of trouble – I have heard Pip telling Bredon on more than one occasion, “Mom isn’t going to be very happy about that…” Which is always my cue to check out what exactly they have been up to.
I think (look! opinion language!) that kids who are out of control are generally the result of over-dominant parenting. Sometimes, I think parents are so determined to set the boundaries for their kids that they have not seen them as people or allowed them the freedom to make choices and decisions and mistakes (even toddlers!) that any human being would make. Some kids are more easily dominated than others, but strong-willed children generally have a very strong sense of self, and if a dominant parent gives them an inch, they will take the mile and then some. These kids take advantage of breakdowns in the authority structure to establish their own independence, and they will exploit every opportunity they receive.
Pete and I really try to maintain a relationship with our kids. We see them as people, and let them see us as people. We have weaknesses, and they know our weaknesses. They have weaknesses and we know theirs. We don’t attempt to prove to our kids that we are more powerful or more right than they are (though there ARE moments when we need to explain to them that “we are the parents and this is just the way it is”). We take a hands-off/hands-on approach to our child-rearing. We allow them as much independence as we can, which helps us, because we are not constantly legislating their every move. Then we get our hands on them with as much real love as we can give them. Some days it’s not much, but on the worst days, I’ve found that a hug, a smile, a quiet word, or a cuddle can make all the difference.
And there you have it. My opinion. It’s what we do, and what we’re still learning. But I’m guessing from the results I’ve been hearing, it’s working. Again, my opinion. 😉
I like how Charlotte Mason puts it: “Children are born persons.” I think parents that understand that and apply it to their little ones are going to find success, no matter their parenting styles. It sounds like you’ve discovered what your children need and the balance for your family. And that’s all any of us really need to be able to do, right? To know our own and to follow the Holy Spirit in nurturing the ones He’s given to US. (just my opinion. *hee* and fwiw, I think it’s healthy to share your true opinion now and again…keeps us transparent and honest.)
haha, love the idea od putting one opinion per week out there. I might have to try it myself. 😉
And I LOVE this paragraph:
“I think (look! opinion language!) that kids who are out of control are generally the result of over-dominant parenting. Sometimes, I think parents are so determined to set the boundaries for their kids that they have not seen them as people or allowed them the freedom to make choices and decisions and mistakes (even toddlers!) that any human being would make. Some kids are more easily dominated than others, but strong-willed children generally have a very strong sense of self, and if a dominant parent gives them an inch, they will take the mile and then some. These kids take advantage of breakdowns in the authority structure to establish their own independence, and they will exploit every opportunity they receive.”
While on our trip North, we were complimented several times (four at least) on our sweet and well-behaved kids. And they WERE. They were great. Of course, we know how great they behaved because we’ve seen them do otherwise.
One woman added that she’d been in McDonald’s earlier that day and seen very badly-behaved kids. It was obvious that our parenting was better. But I tend to be much more forgiving of other parents than I used to be, because I know what kind of parent I am.
That said, I absolutely agree with you about seeing your children as people. I rarely read parenting books, but have read one or two of the Dominant Parenting types. But I’d read their advice and think, “That wouldn’t work on my child. I know my child. You don’t.”
I do keep my kids to a routine (not really a schedule) and I do insist that some things be done certain ways. Otherwise my day and my household cave in. But otherwise they’re pretty free-range. I hadn’t really thought about it until you expressed your opinion (!) that they know their boundaries through independence. I like that idea. I will pursue it. 🙂
— SaraJ
“My kids have learned their boundaries through independence.”–do you have any idea what an astounding statement that is? I love it! And, even more, I love your explanation of why you have had to do it that way.
I like this “real opinion” idea. 🙂 Keep it up.
Having worked with lots of kids, none of them my own, I agree with a lot of what you said. However, from my observation, it seems that the kids who are better behaved have parents who follow up instruction with correction. Of course over-dominant parents cannot follow up on every command they have given, so the kids seem to think, “Why not try to get away with it this time?” On the other hand, the kids who have parents who follow up on their instruction know that if they break the rule, they will be punished. So I think it has more to do with the follow-up than the number of rules, although of course, the fewer rules are easier to follow-up.
As a grandma of six, and a mother to two who turned out to be very responsible adults I want to add the key to parenting is consistency and love, discipline if needed then love to follow, and to be an example for them to follow. You can’t say “don’t lie to me, if they see or hear you lie”. To be aware that you are the adult in charge and you are a leader for them to look up to. Respect and truth telling with consistency. I am sure there is a lot more I could come up with. Oh and don’t let your own fatigue get in the way of ‘real parenting’ they will see through that very quickly.
Now this is the way to share an opinion – clearly, humbly and informatively. Thank you for this. I’m with you – although I did my childrearing many years ago. Letting kids make choices as early as possible is hugely important (and that made for some v-e-r-r-ry interesting clothing options at times) and keeping absolute no’s to a minimum but sticking to them as consistently as possible and letting them be kids – kids who are fascinating persons in their own right and not just small replicas of you. Lovely thinking, lovely writing. And sounds like truly lovely kids.
I think our parenting philosophies are pretty similar. And so far, with pretty good results. I’ve made mistakes along the way, no doubt. And I definitely have learned to extend a lot more grace to parents whose kids are going crazy. Because parenting is darn hard. And all of us are learning as we go. No one has all the answers.
I like your opinions and I like you. I like how you have substance to what you do and to who you are. xxx
Glad to see you have a little spunk in you…even if you have to try to work it into the schedule.
I lost track of anything I ever knew about kids at just about the same moment number one son came screaming out of me and into the cold. Before that, I was brilliant. I hope to be again in time for grandparents, which sure as heck better be a very, very long time off.
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