not unhealthy

i figured out the thing that hit me hardest when i was at my parents’ a few weeks ago. i walked in feeling pretty healthy – exhausted as anything, but pretty healthy as a person – and needing some rest, only to be told that I am NOT healthy, that my kids were running me ragged, and that i would be facing consequences down the line from the decisions i am making now.

permit me a tiny rant, but um, that’s not okay. healthy people don’t do that to other people. i wouldn’t do that to my parents, regardless of what i think of their choices. i recognize that this is just part of life, but when i think about the way i have lived mine, i am proud of my choices. i am proud that i chose to make room for my feelings and keep living my life on a practical, realistic level. i am proud that i have learned how to stay and how to go and how to love and how to offer grace – to myself and to others. and i am proud that i am not living in shame because i can’t perform the way they raised me to perform.

i like being happy and having peace and real joy with God working in my life to care for me and for my people. my expectation is from Him, not from what i invest or don’t invest.

i can’t change the critical narrative with which i grew up, but i can damn well refuse to live it out. i *like* my life, i *like* my kids, and i *like* trusting God with the outcome when i can’t see five, ten, twenty-five years down the road. i want my kids to know Him, and i will do what i can to point them that direction and encourage them to be healthy and productive people, but i’m not meant to be the guardian of their every move, not meant to be the Person to provide their every need and desire. it is OKAY for me not to be what i often feel i have to be. it is OKAY for them to make choices and be strong people themselves.

chalk this one up to #thinksthatcometomewheniclean.