Today I don’t know what I have to offer anyone. It seems like everything I say or do is a copy of someone or something else, and I know this is how I learn, but I also know that the truest things I say are the things that stem from the place in my gut that isn’t quite permissible on any public level.
I’ve learned the rules. The ones about what to say and what not to say, and since most of what I think is what not to say and most of who I am is what not to be, I feel trapped and resigned and ready to quit everything. As much as I want to break the rules, I don’t want to be disliked. I don’t want to make people uncomfortable. And let’s face it – I’m just not good at breaking rules.
Only I look at myself ten years ago, and I know the letter I’d have written then for me to have now:
“Let your heart break. Live wide-open. Don’t hand in your passion, ever. Follow your heart and don’t apologize for it, because God made you this way and He meant for you to live this alive.”
But a body can only take so much breaking. A person can only swallow so much head-patting and misunderstanding. And that grain of truth in the lies just grows bigger and bigger until grace seems too small to overshadow them anymore.
I’m blowing apart here, and I’m looking down on me in the past and thinking, “wow, Kelly. You needed to be more reserved, you needed not to talk, not to be like that, not to say anything.” I’m doing what I always hoped I’d never do, head-patting others who have passion and thinking, “just wait, just wait.”
Because staying alive is the hardest thing to do, especially when life bowls you over and you’ve got nobody speaking the life back in because safe is easier and, well, safer. I don’t want to be erased, but sometimes erasure – nothingness – is the only option I feel I have, because I can’t deal with all the pain, the expectations, the way *I* am too much and not enough every single day. I get why people drink, why they do drugs, why they find whatever they can to make themselves feel the good things, because the bad things chase you down no matter where you are. We walk around every day in the valley of the shadow of death, and sometimes being human is simply not. okay.
This is when I walk humbly with God. When I’ve got no spiritual genes to my name, when I can’t ask for conviction but can’t shove it away either, when I’m nothing more than just me, blowing apart. This is when grace is the only hope I have, when Jesus is the safest place because the “safe” ways of living aren’t safe anymore because I’m an alien and a stranger and world-thinking is all about shutting life down, in the church or out.
Sometimes I hope I’m on the other side. That I can stand up again and not get broken. That I can be grown up and people won’t really know how weak I am. But when it all falls out, I don’t get to choose who and what I am. I just AM, and this is how He created me, in His image, outside of cultural boundaries, peas, and queues. He’s all I’ve got.
So what I have to offer anyone? Me. Just me. And if I’m too much or not enough, I won’t hate you; I’ll just wish me away. I’ll try to hide. But eventually I’ll break because I wasn’t meant to be alone, wasn’t meant not to need.
I can’t be passionate right now. I’m too tired. Too ready to give up. And too scared to ask the amazing people I love to be there for me. What DOES this to a person?
Oh friend, I simply want to infuse you with peace. I want you to always remember how amazing you are, and even when you feel like a copy you aren’t. And I want you to know that the hole isn’t the place to stay. BUT it’s okay to rest for a while and be. And it’s okay to take that deep breath and wait. But don’t give up. Don’t quit. Never, ever, do that because we need YOU. Nothing else, but you.
And I write this knowing you know it, not knowing the details, but trusting you also know my heart. And it is praying for you today.
I get this. The words here are registering as some of the most honest I’ve read in a long time. Your “heart-flow” consumes me. Sometimes there are no words. No intelligible or acceptable answers. Just heart-flow. And that bloody trusting that Grace still works.
Holding your heart in prayer today. I don’t understand the ache; I just know it sears my soul and leaves me gasping in pain- and there is where the breath of life infuses and I find another breath. All my love…
All I can offer is that I have been here. Where ME is too much for me, it is too exhausting to try to wear my own skin. I huddle down inside of it and try to make myself smaller, a smaller thing to protect, project. It comes in waves, this. And there are other waves coming on this great sea of life, the landscape that changes all the time. Read this? Cry with me? http://www.turquoisegates.com/2011/05/begging-for-revival.html
I keep reminding myself that truth is true even when I don’t trust or even know it … and it doesn’t need me to be. Then I remember truth breaks falseness … even the “good” kind … and so when I break, I remember it’s okay for the fake to be destroyed even the bits of me I thought weren’t fake … but the nice thing about truth is that it never breaks, but only replaces the empty with the full. It’s like light. When the darkness is gone, you’ve got something better. So, break away, dear. You can’t not end up true through and through because God is fullness even when we think we’re being emptied. Just try emptying a space of darkness … without light … you’ll see.
Love you. I need to hear this as much as anyone, and these are the thoughts that finally let me sleep last night.
For different reasons and circumstances I’ve been there. I get it. Especially that paragraph where you write about staying alive being the hardest thing to do. I think in those moments God honors just the turn towards him. A nod in His direction, even if that’s all we can do. The intention of our hearts. Let at least that be for Him, right?
You just have to know that it won’t always be this way. I think the Enemy digs in with despair and sadness and convinces us it will NEVER CHANGE. That there is no out. And those are complete lies.
Praying you would know the truth and power of His love, even when your flesh is failing. Love you.
Still love you, Kelly. Wish I could hug you again
Hold on to the ONE who holds you always… God will give you strength, power and encouragement. You are gifted. You are blessed. Hold firm to the promise that HE will never leave you alone.
I am led to pray you you! I don’t understand your circumstances, but trust in the One who is capable to pour out His love and grace on you and speak truth to your heart. “You are loved”. “You are accepted”. “You are appreciated”. “You are His delight”. Praying that you rest in His love and acceptance today, and that you can see beyond the expectations you are feeling. You my friend are a one of a kind creation. You don’t have to fit into any mold. He created You unique. May your heart be comforted in this truth.