and then there are the days where i don’t feel happy, not at all, when the anxiety takes over and caring for my people feels so overwhelming that i think i don’t exist myself anymore. i have never had issues…
snapshot
“Do you feel alive at all? Because I don’t feel like I know you right now.” “If it’s any consolation, I don’t feel like I know me right now either. I feel dark inside. And very, very tired.”
On Character, Motherhood, and God Being God – A Ramble
All my life I’ve been told that “character” is what you are when nobody’s watching, but I have come to the conclusion that character is what you are when everyone is watching. Or at least when your kids are watching.…
Slow Bleed
It is bleeding into everything, the depression that has ripped my life apart again in the last two weeks. I try to gather my wits, try to do what I know is best for my body, but I can’t work…
Places
It was rumoring autumn in New England last week when we visited Pete’s parents. The Japanese maple in his old back yard was tinting more red than usual, and one evening while we were there, we could smell wood smoke…
Hold
Sometimes you are given a gift that you don’t know how to accept. You don’t know how to receive it, because you don’t know the depths of your own heart, and the little you do know leads you to believe…
Unplug
Today has not exactly been a good day. It has not exactly been a bad day. Or maybe it has been horrible. Or spectacular. I think that the technical word for my state today is “stir-crazy.” I feel like I’m…
More
Pete says he sees a change. He says I’m doing better. I do see a little more energy here, a little faster movement there. My brain is a little clearer than it has been. But this week has been hard…
End
People talk about coming to the end of yourself. I’ve talked about it myself. I’ve been there and back, and I’ve half a God-desire to live there all the time, because that is where humility lives, in that deepest place…
Invisible?
Sometimes the best decision is making no decision at all, he says, honest and too aware of my “finished” and “never” and “stupid.” And he is right; I am trying to take on years of pain and confusion on one…