and then there are the days where i don’t feel happy, not at all, when the anxiety takes over and caring for my people feels so overwhelming that i think i don’t exist myself anymore. i have never had issues with my being a “selfish” person. i always kinda figured that is who i am, and maybe it stems from a survival instinct that has taught me about setting boundaries so that i don’t completely disintegrate into the dust from which i am made. but now, i feel extra responsibility to care so much more about people, and while it’s a worthwhile thing, to try to be more loving to people in ways they understand, it doesn’t come naturally to me, and my heart isn’t in it the way it is when i am observing and making a place for them.
that probably doesn’t make much sense. all the details are missing. it’s just thoughts i have that i’m putting down, and the feeling that i don’t always want to feel so stretched, but i can’t keep up with even the normal things of life like deadlines without freaking out. i know He says to be anxious for nothing, but it’s not easy when it’s a physical, chemical trigger thing. i’m seriously considering therapy – i am having more trouble than usual sorting out my thoughts. but then, i have to find a good therapist, and then i have to pay for one, and this is really not easy to consider doing at this moment. it took me eight years to stabilize in charleston – i want things to feel more familiar, more stable here – and they just don’t. it’s hard not knowing where to go for the doing-life things, taking chances on calling people, opening myself up to being hurt and disappointed – or worse.
anxiety is a mess – on the one hand, it’s something you have acknowledge to deal with the reasons behind it; on the other hand, it is a huge guilt-inducer, because you’re not supposed to be anxious about anything if you know God, right? i don’t always know what to do with black and white when things go gray with real life and not-so-much spiritual. it makes me glad for Immanuel, because i know He gets it. He’s not just God up there telling us what to do and how to be without having lived in our skin and felt what we feel.
there’s a lot of hope in a God who understands you, a God who is on your side, a God who isn’t waiting to condemn you.