the problem with having a restless heart is that you get called repeatedly to rest, and sometimes the enforcement comes in ways you don’t expect and really don’t want to embrace. in my case, that anxiety i was talking about yesterday has resulted in an almost complete collapse of my physical systems. again.
i am not pleased to be having seizures and collapses again, but i know that these times when i have not been able to do as much as i want to do have been really rich in the past – on every level. pete says i’m not made for this world. i wish he wasn’t so right, because i like this world, quite frankly. i like the way the light falls down and the way the wind feels as it brushes my face, and i like the sounds of laughter and music and the sense of adventure you get when you stand on the shore looking out to sea. i want to live the height and breadth and depth of my life, and when my body breaks down, it feels harder to do than i want it to feel.
one thing is for sure – it’s going to force a reprioritization and put some limitations on my life that haven’t been there for a while, which is very discouraging – you don’t want to take breaks when you’re trying to be famous (i’m only half-joking there, sigh), but it’s also a bit of a relief to have a real, physical reason that needs no justification for saying “no” and doing the “walk” thing instead of the “run” thing.